3 Gentle Ways to Create Space for Death in Your Life

​When I first started working in the field of deathcare, I was worried that no one would want to talk to me at parties. What would I say when asked what I do for a living?

“Ummmm, I help people plan for their eventual death?”

In this lonely fantasy of mine, I imagined the guest spitting out their drink in shock or suddenly excusing themselves to “take a phone call.”

To my surprise, I’m actually quite popular at parties. It seems that death is “in.” It’s trending! I’m finally a part of the in-crowd! The validation feels nice. But I don’t want to seem too trite. I believe my new popularity actually signals the start of an important and long worked-for culture shift where people are remembering the power of accepting death.

In an ideal world, preparing for end-of-life is something that happens from birth. It’s woven in to the fabric of our lives, so commonplace that we don’t always know we are doing the important work of preparing for our inevitable end.

But most of us didn’t grow up that way and we are now struggling to catch up. And by “catching up” I don’t mean you need to hang out at cemeteries (though there are some beautiful ones in the Victoria area that are great for a picnic as well as several music festivals held at local memorial gardens). Instead, start by creating just a little space in your life to think and talk about death.

Here’s a few ways you can start:

• Call death what it is:  When talking with children about their bodies, we know it’s important to use anatomically correct words. It’s equally important to be straight about dying and death. Euphemisms like “she isn’t going to make it,” “he’s not doing well,” “passed away” and “gone to sleep,” can be confusing for children. For adults, euphemisms are a way to avoid talking directly about a difficult topic. If your aim is to be poetic, then euphemize away! It’s also normal to cope with your grief in the short term by softening your language.  But if you find yourself using euphemisms to avoid expressing your grief or to avoid engaging with the reality of your mortality, then it might be time to seek some help or to reflect on why “death” and “dying” are taboo for you.

• Embrace the truth: there are no “good” or “bad” feelings, just FEELINGS: This one doesn’t at first glance seem related to death… but you’ll see that it is.  I learned it from the award-winning Roots of Empathy Program which teaches children how to label and express their feelings to create a more empathetic society.  Imagine if we learned how to talk about our feelings and to seek help when we need it. No shame, no suffering in isolation, just support and the ability to be with our emotions - even the “dark” ones. With these skills, we’d be much better prepared for the emotional roller coaster that is dying and death. Being non-judgmental about feelings reminds me of this lovely meme with Winnie the Pooh’s Eeyore. Try replacing “clinically depressed” with “grieving”.

• Notice transformations all around you: The seasons, caterpillars in their cocoons, the water cycle… beginnings and endings are ever-present. Death, like birth, is normal. It isn’t something to “cheat.” You can’t get out of it by “fighting hard enough.” If you let yourself, you will see lifecycles everywhere. Allow this to bring you some comfort and the knowledge that “we are of the nature to die” (Thich Nhat Hanh).

Thanks for sharing your precious time with me. Please share this post with people you think it might inspire.

In gratitude,

Chelsea

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